Disappointment

one of the most unpleasant and intolerable emotions in life. i feel, like anne, that "i can't help soaring up on the wings of anticipation," but there is inevitably a "thud" that follows. broken promises, thoughtlessness, and ruined plans. these are difficult things for me to deal with. the weight and sting that accompanies the emptiness of disappointment is particulary cutting and unbearable in what should be close relationships. i try so hard to be a "good friend", but maybe i don't know what that really means. dependable, consistent, thoughtful, sensitive, expressive of appreciation and concern, willing to adjust to meet needs and "be there" in any circumstance,loyal, interested...is that a friend? that's what i want.
occasionally i get the sense that this relationship is one existing only in movies and fairytales. is it really so difficult to reach out to other people? is it so hard to let them know that you care? what does it cost you to send a clear message that they are important to you? to make them feel special? the desire to do this seems very natural to me. i want nothing else as i interact with friends, but why don't others give this back? it seems so easy! so natural! but perhaps that is true only in my world...maybe it really isn't easy for others. maybe i need to be more tolerant, patient, and understanding....maybe...
i try to remind myself that i am different...that i cannot expect others to be like me...to value what i value....do what i do or need what i need. that all makes perfect sense in my head...but my heart still smarts, the twinge of unfulfilled expectations. "that's it," i tell myself, "just change your expectations!" a task joyfully envisioned but insufferably complex in execution. sometimes i would love to just stop caring so much...just stop worrying...stop working to help others feel important...needed. it would be so much easier, wouldn't it? people always seem to let you down. they're so quickly forget. does friendship become so comfortable that i can so easily be swept aside? people don't do what they say they will do. they aren't where they say they will be. they apologize eloquently for the things that "just came up" while subtle messages revealing their priorities ring loud and clear.
sometimes i try to create distance and stop caring. try to trick myself into thinking that this type of life...this type of relationship is possible for me. no matter how wounded i feel, the thought of causing the same agony in someone i love serves only to increases my own pain exponentially. revenge is not sweet for me. so i give more. i show more love...more concern...more care. i continue to try to be the friend i always want to have. but maybe love and friendship and connection is really not about getting something back...maybe we are destined to disappointment. maybe the connection we seem to feel with people is merely a fleeting wisp of ethereal things beyond what is possible in this life...something to yearn for but never reach. happy for a time...supported and loved...but does it last? is it worth all i put into it? sometimes it feels much like barry spacks' two foxes.

simply to breathe
can make him bleed,
the fox whose leg
is trapped, whose will
awaits the kill.
why should he flail?
moving hurts,
so he lies still.

around him walks
a prouder fox,
his severed leg
a homily
on going free.
as if to say
it hurts - it hurts
either way.

make the effort to connect...trust that there is something real there, something valuable. trust that someone will care about you as much as you care about them. or give it all up. stop trying so hard. let others deal with life on their own. they may not need you anyway. it hurts either way.