i was sitting in church the other day and i listened to some women talk about what it means to keep the sabbath day holy. they had it all figured out. they knew all the rules and left no doubt about what should be done. i sat there thinking, "you made all those rules up yourself!"
how often we create definite bounderies between black and white, mandatory codes of conduct to live by, and unwaivering lines to carefully walk. we can't stand the uncertainty that surrounds us daily. we are uncomfortable with too many choices. we desperately plead for someone else to tell us what to do.
why are we so afraid of the ambiguity? do we doubt that we can direct our lives? what do we fear? why do we relinquish control of our destiny and the opportunity to choose where we go, who we are, and or where we will stand? instead we allow our anxiety to drive our lives...ever looking for something stable and certain and unchanging. is anything really like that? maybe we convince ourselves that there are things like that...and then we cling to them like a life raft in a storm, unable to enjoy our experiences or the people around us...unable to think of anything or anyone else...a captive to our own fear.
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,
And I can 't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there."
sometimes i wonder how much my own fear drives me and the plethora of decisons i make each day. am i really willing to gaze fully, unflinchingly into the future and embrace tomorrow as it comes? Can i learn to be comfortable with not knowing what a new day holds for me, without becoming cynical and pessimistic?...i don't know.
some things were meant to be abiguous, if you ask me...they force you to identify what you value and recognize what you want.
in a spiritual sense, this ambiguity can stimulate growth and progress. too often we arbitrarily invent clear-cut guidelines. too often we ask God to tell us exactly what to do and then we do it. even simply following directions can be difficult at times, but it takes no character...no grit. some divine directions are left unclear...a bit hazy...on purpose. we are to take a stand. we can seek guidance and listen to our hearts, but the choice is ours. we are given a principle and we decide how it applies. we test it out. nothing is in stone...experimentation, adaptation, and adjustment - the desirable skills of life. we can certainly elect to avoid paralysis in favor of moving in some direction...any direction...embracing the possibility of modifying our coordinates.
Fortunately, this ambiguity also disallows the casting of judgement upon others. if we, individually, are the ones who can interpret and decide, then only we can really know what the best decision or course of action may be at a particular time, place, and in a particular set of circumstances...unique to only us. oh, many will have opinions...often making them painfully clear...but they have no way of really knowing what an individual can know about his or her own life.
ambiguity is what makes our life journey unique. so many pages of the journey are still unwritten...we can write them, but the tone and content depends our decisions in the face of uncertainty. following a crowd...clutching another's coat-tails...walking someone else's journey...it is tempting. it is certain, dependable, and someone else's responsibility. i don't want to miss my own journey because i am scared or doubtful. my journey indubitably holds great adventures, dangerous pitfalls, exquisite vistas, great mistakes, and a marvelous story...and only i can walk it.
Monday, August 20, 2007
My Dad
recently, my relationship with my dad has changed. i didn't notice it happening at first. it was gradual. we used to go head-to-head, neither one of us willing to back down, insisting that our opinions were right, and determined to believe we were not at all the same. the truth is that we are not the same, but we are very, very much alike. a fact i am very proud of. now our similarities help us understand each other and our differences let us learn from each other. we don't always agree or see eye-to-eye but we love and support each other...and disagreement has become ok. in fact, i often enjoy that we have differing viewpoints. and we are working to express and communicate them in better, more gentle, and more clear ways.
one of the best things about my dad is his giant heart! that man has a heart of gold and as soft as my favorite teddy bear. he really loves people. he is sensitive to spiritual things and to the sacrifices that others offer in the name of love. one of our favorite movies is "the inn of the sixth happiness." this is a perfect example of the selfless love and service that he values so dearly, and it makes us both cry every time we watch it. his heart, like mine, immediately connects with things that are good and noble and courageous. he truly is a warrior for goodness and truth in so many ways.
my dad loves books...another trait he passed on to me. thrilled by learning and knowledge, he inspired me to seek it too. there is power in knowledge, but more powering in using your knowledge to help and lift others.
he is the most thoughtful person i have ever met. he is genuinely and naturally aware of and concerned about the needs and desires of those around him. but more importantly, he doesn't just notice those needs; he acts. he often goes out of his way to do thoughtful, kind things for others....a phone call, a note, particular interest in things that are important to you, or even just your favorite candy bar...he wants you to know he loves you and notices you. an unsung hero in many ways, i am so grateful to have him in my life.
one of the best things about my dad is his giant heart! that man has a heart of gold and as soft as my favorite teddy bear. he really loves people. he is sensitive to spiritual things and to the sacrifices that others offer in the name of love. one of our favorite movies is "the inn of the sixth happiness." this is a perfect example of the selfless love and service that he values so dearly, and it makes us both cry every time we watch it. his heart, like mine, immediately connects with things that are good and noble and courageous. he truly is a warrior for goodness and truth in so many ways.
my dad loves books...another trait he passed on to me. thrilled by learning and knowledge, he inspired me to seek it too. there is power in knowledge, but more powering in using your knowledge to help and lift others.
he is the most thoughtful person i have ever met. he is genuinely and naturally aware of and concerned about the needs and desires of those around him. but more importantly, he doesn't just notice those needs; he acts. he often goes out of his way to do thoughtful, kind things for others....a phone call, a note, particular interest in things that are important to you, or even just your favorite candy bar...he wants you to know he loves you and notices you. an unsung hero in many ways, i am so grateful to have him in my life.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Disappointment
one of the most unpleasant and intolerable emotions in life. i feel, like anne, that "i can't help soaring up on the wings of anticipation," but there is inevitably a "thud" that follows. broken promises, thoughtlessness, and ruined plans. these are difficult things for me to deal with. the weight and sting that accompanies the emptiness of disappointment is particulary cutting and unbearable in what should be close relationships. i try so hard to be a "good friend", but maybe i don't know what that really means. dependable, consistent, thoughtful, sensitive, expressive of appreciation and concern, willing to adjust to meet needs and "be there" in any circumstance,loyal, interested...is that a friend? that's what i want.
occasionally i get the sense that this relationship is one existing only in movies and fairytales. is it really so difficult to reach out to other people? is it so hard to let them know that you care? what does it cost you to send a clear message that they are important to you? to make them feel special? the desire to do this seems very natural to me. i want nothing else as i interact with friends, but why don't others give this back? it seems so easy! so natural! but perhaps that is true only in my world...maybe it really isn't easy for others. maybe i need to be more tolerant, patient, and understanding....maybe...
i try to remind myself that i am different...that i cannot expect others to be like me...to value what i value....do what i do or need what i need. that all makes perfect sense in my head...but my heart still smarts, the twinge of unfulfilled expectations. "that's it," i tell myself, "just change your expectations!" a task joyfully envisioned but insufferably complex in execution. sometimes i would love to just stop caring so much...just stop worrying...stop working to help others feel important...needed. it would be so much easier, wouldn't it? people always seem to let you down. they're so quickly forget. does friendship become so comfortable that i can so easily be swept aside? people don't do what they say they will do. they aren't where they say they will be. they apologize eloquently for the things that "just came up" while subtle messages revealing their priorities ring loud and clear.
sometimes i try to create distance and stop caring. try to trick myself into thinking that this type of life...this type of relationship is possible for me. no matter how wounded i feel, the thought of causing the same agony in someone i love serves only to increases my own pain exponentially. revenge is not sweet for me. so i give more. i show more love...more concern...more care. i continue to try to be the friend i always want to have. but maybe love and friendship and connection is really not about getting something back...maybe we are destined to disappointment. maybe the connection we seem to feel with people is merely a fleeting wisp of ethereal things beyond what is possible in this life...something to yearn for but never reach. happy for a time...supported and loved...but does it last? is it worth all i put into it? sometimes it feels much like barry spacks' two foxes.
simply to breathe
can make him bleed,
the fox whose leg
is trapped, whose will
awaits the kill.
why should he flail?
moving hurts,
so he lies still.
around him walks
a prouder fox,
his severed leg
a homily
on going free.
as if to say
it hurts - it hurts
either way.
make the effort to connect...trust that there is something real there, something valuable. trust that someone will care about you as much as you care about them. or give it all up. stop trying so hard. let others deal with life on their own. they may not need you anyway. it hurts either way.
occasionally i get the sense that this relationship is one existing only in movies and fairytales. is it really so difficult to reach out to other people? is it so hard to let them know that you care? what does it cost you to send a clear message that they are important to you? to make them feel special? the desire to do this seems very natural to me. i want nothing else as i interact with friends, but why don't others give this back? it seems so easy! so natural! but perhaps that is true only in my world...maybe it really isn't easy for others. maybe i need to be more tolerant, patient, and understanding....maybe...
i try to remind myself that i am different...that i cannot expect others to be like me...to value what i value....do what i do or need what i need. that all makes perfect sense in my head...but my heart still smarts, the twinge of unfulfilled expectations. "that's it," i tell myself, "just change your expectations!" a task joyfully envisioned but insufferably complex in execution. sometimes i would love to just stop caring so much...just stop worrying...stop working to help others feel important...needed. it would be so much easier, wouldn't it? people always seem to let you down. they're so quickly forget. does friendship become so comfortable that i can so easily be swept aside? people don't do what they say they will do. they aren't where they say they will be. they apologize eloquently for the things that "just came up" while subtle messages revealing their priorities ring loud and clear.
sometimes i try to create distance and stop caring. try to trick myself into thinking that this type of life...this type of relationship is possible for me. no matter how wounded i feel, the thought of causing the same agony in someone i love serves only to increases my own pain exponentially. revenge is not sweet for me. so i give more. i show more love...more concern...more care. i continue to try to be the friend i always want to have. but maybe love and friendship and connection is really not about getting something back...maybe we are destined to disappointment. maybe the connection we seem to feel with people is merely a fleeting wisp of ethereal things beyond what is possible in this life...something to yearn for but never reach. happy for a time...supported and loved...but does it last? is it worth all i put into it? sometimes it feels much like barry spacks' two foxes.
simply to breathe
can make him bleed,
the fox whose leg
is trapped, whose will
awaits the kill.
why should he flail?
moving hurts,
so he lies still.
around him walks
a prouder fox,
his severed leg
a homily
on going free.
as if to say
it hurts - it hurts
either way.
make the effort to connect...trust that there is something real there, something valuable. trust that someone will care about you as much as you care about them. or give it all up. stop trying so hard. let others deal with life on their own. they may not need you anyway. it hurts either way.
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